Fear, Move Over - Love, You're Up
It’s been nearly 10 years since I’ve decided to right a book. 10 years. It seems like forever ago and it feels like yesterday too. How much of it is written? Other than the first 25 pages I wrote back then, not much more. And even that is going in the garbage as it’s completely obsolete and full of holes.
You might wonder why it’s taken me so long. Or who am I, to even write a book? All valid questions. And oh how I have asked myself those very same questions hundreds of times over the years.
First, why am I writing a book? Well, after much soul searching and questioning within, I have realized that I’m meant to share my experiences for the benefit of others. I truly feel that what I have gone through may just help others who may have shared a similar path.
What makes my experiences ‘share’ worthy? Let’s just say that I haven’t had your typical ‘normal’ life. And, to be honest, I didn’t think writing a book would ever be on my to-do list, let alone sharing my life experiences. I’m quite a private person, actually, and have been reserved about my personal life.
Then I had a revelation. After a series of reoccurring debilitating migraines, I was left with no choice but to take an indefinite leave of absence from work. I intentionally tried to find the root cause of these migraines, which were always right brained. I went on and off a variety of foods and beverages trying to find what my ‘trigger’ was. I wasn’t succeeding, but I was finally ‘smelling the roses’ so to speak.
I finally had time to ‘be in the moment’, to relax and breathe. To not be looking at my watch constantly, because of deadlines, meetings, calls… I could now take walks to the park, walks through the forest on the mountain, touch the trees, listen to the birds, read, draw.. to do anything that felt good and right to me.
That’s when it happened. My sister called and said, ‘Hey, if Mom and your Dad are up to seeing you, would you be willing?’
It being only 12 years since I’d seen them, I eagerly responded “Yes! Absolutely! I’m not the one who cut them out of my life!’
She said, “I know I know, but I’ve been bugging Mom about it and she said she would have no problem seeing you, but your father has been the problem”. She continued “they're being hypocrites because they will see me and my bother, but they won’t see you.”
“It’s because I got baptized” I answered.
“I know but it’s bullshit!” she blurted.
She’s right. It is bullshit. But the reason is that simple. Even though we were both born and raised as Jehovah's Witnesses, I made the choice to dedicate my life to God and she chose not to. So, at 16 years old, I was baptized at a convention in front of thousands of people. Then, at 27, I walked away. So that meant being shunned from everyone I knew, including my father and step mother.
My sister still talked to me because she never chose to get baptized. She never became a Jehovah's Witness. That, was the difference. I did the unforgivable. I gave my life to God, got baptized, then I turned my back on my promise. That was unforgivable in their eyes. The only way I could redeem myself was by going back to the religion. Not just attend church, but practice their way of life. I would have to sit at the back of the congregation for a minimum of 6 months, while being avoided like a leper, as speaking or associating with me would be forbidden. Only once I had been reinstated, as a practicing member, a slave of God, would I be forgiven, and have the privilege of associating with anyone again.
In case it wasn’t clear, I never went back, nor did I get reinstated. The religion, nor it’s teachings resonated with me anymore. I had completely walked away, which resulted in being ‘shunned’ from every one I had ever known…
So here I am, 12 years later and my sister wants me to see my parents, if they’re up to it. I told her ‘Go for it. If they’ll see me, I’ll come. I love them, and miss them’. I get off the phone with her promising to get back to me with news.
Then it happens. That night, I get one of my terrible right brained migraines. And it hits me. Since the call with my sister, I had been thinking about the past, thinking about my parents, thinking about things I had hidden away for quite some time.
I realized that my migraines were very much connected to my parents, and my past. There was so much deep rooted pain and trauma. Even at this time, I didn’t realize just how much, but it was very clear to me I had found the root cause of my migraines.
After having this revelation, I started to try to heal these pains of my past. I did end up seeing my parents again, thanks to my sister for organizing it. However, much to my dismay, they still wanted nothing to do with me as I showed no desire to ‘return to the flock’ so to speak.
Even though my parents were intolerant in their views, I tried to heal myself from the pain that it brought me. I recognized that I never faced anything ‘bad’ I had lived through. I was the type that didn’t want to feel the pain, despair, or trauma; I would just ignore it and block it out. Of course, it never went away, it just got buried deeply into my subconscious.
Again, I didn’t know this at the time, but I did this all my life, from childhood. Little did I know that repressing and tucking away my pains and traumas would result in such terrible debilitating migraines.
In this quest to heal from my past, I began meditating. I started to quiet my mind so as to hear my inner voice. I had read somewhere that ‘all the answers you seek lie within’.
I started to ask the questions ‘who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?’
Unbeknownst to me, while meditating, I began raising my vibration. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that we live in a vibrational Universe, that everything is frequency. If you haven’t heard that, I encourage you to ‘follow the rabbit’ down the hole and do some research. You may be surprised by what you find.
Because I had started to ask these pertinent life questions, with an earnest heart, the Universe started to guide me. Some of these answers came from within meditation, and some I was led to.
While in one of my meditations, it became clear I was to write a book. Not just any book, but a book about my life’s experiences. I was scared, but excited.
So, I began writing about my experiences. I knew that if I could write and share my story, maybe I could help others on the same path. You see, I was completely brainwashed when I was a Jehovah's Witness. I was willing to die for it and would have done so gladly. I felt that if I shared my experiences about this cult and how it dominates your life and been able to free myself, that maybe, just maybe, someone would be able to benefit from it. Maybe they would know they weren't alone. That there were and are others like them, who could help them on their path.
I was fuelled by my new found desire to share my story. However, there came a point, when I would sit there, ready to pick up from where I left off and nothing. I was blank. I stared at the white page staring back and resigned that I needed to take a break.
I knew I had to let it unfold and be written in the right time. Little did I know what would happen, and how much time would pass, before I would pick up the ‘quill’ again, so to speak. Here we are, one year into Covid, and 10 years later; I am finally ready.
I realized that I would never have been able to write the book without certain events unfolding. For one, I would leave the corporate world and never look back. And only a year after making the decision to write a book, I came out as gay. That was HUGE for me, needless to say.
Next, I would start working for myself and become self employed. Then, I would get certified as a numerologist and a past life regressionist. I would also have major dental work done, that would result in waking me up to the severe abuse in my childhood. Then I would finally start therapy to help me heal these past buried wounds. Next, I would find and reconnect with my biological mother, having been away from her since I was 3 years old. Then in 2020, I would lose my karmic partner and best friend of 20 years. And finally, I would take an astrology course with Debra Silverman, one I had been dreaming of taking for years, to train to become a certified professional astrologer.
These past 10 years have been a roller coaster of a ride, with terrible pains and tremendous joys along the way, and I find that I am finally in a place where I am able to say:
“Fear, move over; Love, you’re up.”
Battling fear of expression has been a by product of my past, and it certainly has not been an easy mountain to climb. But the more I heal, the closer to the top I get. Love is conquering my fear and I am feeling inspired. It’s time.